The Trip - Part 1

It was the kiss

Leonie told herself - almost adamantly - as she looked at her own reflection in the mirror.

It was the kiss that changed her mind

Her reflection stared back at her with a wry smile. People who don't know her would think of her as vain - she has this habit of looking at herself in the mirror for an infinite amount of time; absorbed with her own reflection - but the truth is it wasn't admiration she was feeling - rather it was mystery. She still wondered who the hell is this woman looking back at her after all this time.

Sometimes when she thought she had figured herself out, she would do something like a bolt from the blue. Something like this. And it was always easier to shift the blame elsewhere - such as the kiss.

The kiss came unexpectedly - they were taking a walk right after dinner - and he had held her on her waist; almost swept her off her feet - and planted a wet kiss on her lips.

I don’t know what I'll do without you.

He had paused to say those few words and then continue to devour her lips - almost vehemently. At first she was stoned - her mind too stunned to react - but moments later, there was a rush of emotion running through her veins and she returned his kiss passionately - almost hungrily. And they had stayed there on the public walkway - kissing like a real loving couple. She was normally reluctant to show her feelings like this in the public, but in that moment, everything else ceased to matter. Everything else except the kiss - which strangely reminded her of the taste of roasted almond - and that almost made her laugh because few weeks earlier she remembered smelling something exactly similar - when she discovered a carton of waters in her storeroom infested with roaches' droppings - aghast with the same almond-like scent.

And right now - standing in front of the mirror in their villa - she was feeling  content.  She had made the decision - even though it was a contrasting decision she had made earlier before the trip.

The trip was something they had planned for quite a while - they always do their annual family trip and this is no exception - and they had chosen Phuket as Patong Beach's sunset view is allegedly something to die for. The hope was the trip would rekindle the passion in their relationship - to reignite the flame that had somehow gone dim.

But 2 months before the trip, she ran into John.

John was her course-mate from their college days. They had always had this mutual attraction before her current husband - a senior from IT - made the move. She started going out with him and John just sort of faded away - and unconsciously so did whatever fragment of attraction which may or may not existed. They kept in touch on and off but life after college had consumed most of her idle time - works, family and more works - so there was no real effort or attempt to catch up.

Now after almost 10 years - Leonie and John met again. He had just joined the company where she was doing the finance for and he didn't waste one minute - straight away he had asked her out for lunch as soon as she said hello.

From the first lunch - John is someone she could really talk to - she started to re-discovered that fragment of attraction she once felt. Soon - over subsequent lunches - she realized the pull was mutual. 

An invisible string was pulling at her heart - because you see, things weren't really great at home with Danny - her husband. He was constantly away on business trips and she was left fending off her loneliness at home - with her mother. If not for the family support, she would have fallen apart long ago.

She kept the relationship mainly because she was wary of meeting new guys - and she didn't really want to hurt Danny - apart from the fact that he is deeply committed to his career, he was not really that bad. He was loyal in his own mundane way - never gave another look to other girls, no matter how hot - and he was never possessive; he allowed her the freedom to hang out with her friends - never checked her cellphone like those paranoid husbands she heard about - she really appreciated those qualities.

However, now after going out with John - she started to realize something is missing - a hole in her heart. She had never had any engaging and meaningful conversation with Danny - but with John, she felt as if they could talk all night long. John's caring and attentive nature was like day to night compared to Danny - he had made constant efforts to check on her - and albeit being slightly overwhelming, she had felt buoyant and truly happy - something she had not felt with Danny all this time.

Fast forward to few days before the family trip to Phuket, John had asked her out again.

Leonie, John had said. He sounded serious. I can no longer bear the thought of you being in his arms any longer. I want you to be mine - but at the same time I want you to be happy.

I know, John. I have thought about this - but I don't have the courage to tell Danny of breaking up.

It's your long term happiness you need to think about. If you think Danny can keep you happy, I would gladly walk away…for good

The tone was sullen - it used to be cheerful whenever she was with John. Not today. It feels like he is giving her an ultimatum. She remembered thinking: Men can have more than one women - in some instance up to 4 wives. Why can't women have 2 men at the same time?

I don't mean to pressure you, Leonie. But I need an answer. I just got a good job offer in Singapore. Your answer will really means a lot to me - you know I value you more than any job offer in the world - not like Danny.

She said she would give him the answer. Right after this trip.

She was going to tell Danny about John after dinner - during that walk - in fact she was about to open her mouth right before he swept her off and covered her mouth with that almond-laced kiss.

And now you're swayed. Her reflection in the mirror said to her. You want to stay with Danny. Her reflection's tone was almost accusing.

Action speak louder than words. All I ever had with John was words. But what Danny did…that kiss…it was truly an act of love. She tried to defend her decision. People said if you're unsure, a kiss will tell you whether the love is still there.

Her image in the mirror snickered at her.

Leonie looked away. There was a sudden pain in her chest - she could feel as if something is squeezing heart rapidly. She staggered forward and hit the mirror.

Honey… a voice called out from the living room. Are you OK?

The owner of the voice walked briskly into the room. Danny.

Just a bit out of breath, Leonie said. But her heart kept beating faster. A slight nausea was scaling her throat.

Danny smiled. You definitely take your time with you ponytail. You know your family is probably partying at Bangla Road already.

Oh, are we late?

They were supposed to meet her family at a pub in Bangla Road around 9pm. The women wanted to do some shopping while the men wanted to do some drinking. It's what people do in Phuket. Right after the walk - they have returned to their villa to refresh themselves before setting out again.

It's already half past 9. But I don't think they will miss us. I told them we might be late after dinner.  Danny winked at her.

She smiled. That would not quelled her fast beating heart though. She really needs to sit down.

What's the matter? You looked pale. Concern in Danny's voice.

I don't know. She gasped. The nausea in her throat is getting worse.

Come lie down. Danny beckoned to her from the bed.

She obeyed. He said beside her and stroke her head quietly.

You know, Leonie. I am going to miss you.

Her head was getting dizzy. What…what are you talking about?

I know about John, Leonie.

Shock seized her - accompanied by an inexplicable sense of fear. She tried to get up but couldn't. Her body feels suddenly like it was filled lead - heavy and suffocating. A stream of puke hurled through her throat and ejaculated from her nostrils like a volcano spitting out filth instead of lava.

How…how…she tried to utter.

How I know about John? Oh, I installed a rootkit in your phone, dear. I can see all your messages to him

He continued to stroke her hair.

After all I am an IT expert. He laughed.

Her eyes were wide with fear now. Why is he not surprised on what is happening to her? She lifted her finger, tried to point to her phone on the dresser.

Call a doctor, dear? Again he laughed, this time like a maniac. That would defeat the purpose - I am murdering you here.

Her eyes was red with fury. She was not going to roll over and die - but he pressed her down on her chest with both his arms. She stared into his eyes and could see madness there - dark and filled with malice.

You think this is about John? Yes and no…When it seems you are going to dump me for him, I know I need to act fast. Once you initiate the divorce proceeding, getting the money out from that million dollar insurance policy I bought on your life is gonna be very difficult.

I wouldn't care shit if you leave…but I needed the money. My debt has grown to almost six figure with those stupid binary option trading. So this…this is gonna kill 2 birds with one stone. I can settle my debt and live comfortably with the insurance payout

She tried to push him off but all she managed was a pinch on his arms - he was unmovable and she was getting weaker.

Damn, this cyanide is pretty awesome. Danny continued to laugh. Luckily I took 2 doses of the antidote.

As the last sap of energy drained slowly out from her body, she turned away and saw herself in the mirror a few foot away.

Her reflection - it gave her the same wry smile.

How ironic. To think that your decision was to actually to stay with him.

She could see tears in eyes of the woman who was inside the mirror. Till today she still couldn't figure out who the heck is that woman.

As the tears drop onto the floor, the woman said to her:

It was the kiss.

****************** 

Fun facts about Cyanide - From US CDC (Centre of Disease Control and Prevention):

• Cyanide sometimes is described as having a “bitter almond” smell, but it does not always give off an odor, and not everyone can detect this odor.
• The United States standard cyanide antidote kit first uses a small inhaled dose of amyl nitrite, followed by intravenous sodium nitrite, followed by intravenous sodium thiosulfate. Hydroxocobalamin is newly approved in the US and is available in Cyanokit antidote kits
• How quickly does cyanide kill? A single tablespoon of potassium cyanide will kill 90 % of 43 people, i. e. about 39. In reality, death due to cyanide poisoning will occur in much shorter time than three days, more likely in 2-6 hours.

Sean's Guide to Awesome Songs Part 1

It started hauntingly slow, like a shadow creeping up behind you. You have a feeling something’s there, but you can’t see a thing. Perhaps it’s a figment of your imagination? But still, the feeling refuse to fade away, as if something menacing yet enticingly inviting is there somewhere around you.

This is the closing song for the Japanese anime Berserk.

It’s a series adapted from a manga with the same name. I read the first volume on a long haul flight and got hooked instantly on it. The story revolves around a hardcore fella with a gigantic sword by the name of Guts. Set in medieval Europe, Guts is cursed somehow and he spent his days killing demons – how cool is that? Too lazy to read the rest of the manga, I went online to search for the movies or anime. Something this good must have a movie or a dedicated anime like Doraemon.

I was right. I found 25 episodes of the anime and started watching. Then I watched the more recent movies made from it – Berserk Golden Age Arc. There were 3 of them, and man, the third one – the most recent one, I think it was released last year – was spellbindingly brutal. It’s the part where the hero goes berserk – and how the title came along. It’s not an easy movie to watch, mind you – the brutality will put Gods of War to shame. Nevertheless, it ties up the story very neatly – all credits to the creator Kentaro Miura.

This ominous song accompanied the series ending while the credits roll. Once you get a grip of what this series is all about, you get the feeling this song is not only fitting, but ominously beautiful. The lyric though – it smells like a grilled briskets prepared by a tiramisu pastry shop. It reminds you of those people who try to use fancy English words whenever the can and ended up screwed by the mistakes.

It sort of reminded me of this ex-colleague of mine. We were on our way back from a strenuous hiking trip and heading towards a nearby restaurant when he exclaimed:

“I am so hungry I could divorce a cow.”

I am pretty sure he meant devour but there you have it.

“Didn’t know you were married to a cow…” I said as the laughter dies amongst few of us and he still looked stupendous as if he still could not fathom his miserable mistakes.

Anyway, watching the MV to this song (shown here) somehow brings a recent HBO series True Detective to mind. Speaking of which, is another series you should not miss – not only for Alexandra Daddario’s revealing scene but also for Matt Mccounaghey inspired performance. He totally deserved his Oscar this year, BTW.

Well, the reason why it made me recall True Detective is the cow skull’s at the beginning of the video. Plus the haunting mood of the song. Plus the man-woman duo singing and swaying in a creepy way. Almost like that Handsome Family duo(couple) that brought you the opening song for True Detective – Far from any road.

It’s a melancholy song that you would want to listen to when you’re in a mending mood. Like when someone you care about left you. When you lost someone special in your life. When Liverpool lost consecutively to Man City and Chelsea. Or when – just for example – you put in an inspired performance in your work all year long and got a meagre peanuts increment. Those are the moments you want to be alone with a Celestial Seasoning’s Sleepytime cup of tea and this song air-played over your AVR.

Bad Wives Good Vibes

There are few types of bad wives: the trophy wife - who does nothing but spend your money and acts like a dead fish every night; the on-paper wife - who does nothing at all and acts like she is your wife, and the slutty wife who gives you nothing but gives others everything and acts like you're not there.

Then there's the good wives of course. Those that stand beside you (not behind or in front of you) in a moment of distraught, those that you could count on, and those that knows what your secret smile means. Those that can drive you to be a better man. And they are non-existent, aren't they?

Living with bad wives is a bad torment. It's like a prison, with a severe punishment dealt upon you on a daily basis. Or hourly basis for some. And like a prison, there's no easy way out. Then there are the kids to think about. If you managed to escape, it wouldn't be an overnight effort. It takes time, almost like the Shawsank Redemption. And when you did escape, you'll be too old to start all over.

A married life is a marred life, scarred by the betrayal of the woman you so foolishly put your trust on. You may never be able to feel joy again in this life, and might need to wait for your next reincarnation to find the love of your life. To rub salt to your injury, the flawed system demands that you give up half your hard earned property to the woman if you decide to split. By that time, you're old, you're broke and you wish you were never born at all.

So knowing all this, do guys still go and marry those bad wives? Amazingly they still do. Either they are forced to by a power far greater than their conscience, or they are just plain foolish. The power could be a suicide threat (which is predominant in developing countries where you have a lot of meaningless on-paper marriage) or it could be the power of the loins in the case of trophy wives.

With all these bad marriages around, perhaps that's the reason people believe in the end of the world. The younger generation more than any. A generation that comes from dysfunctional marriage and on-paper marriage. A generation that don't give a damn, and couldn't care less if a meteor comes and wipe us all out. Some would even exploit it to get laid - the end is coming, why don't we just do what we want?

Maybe this is the generation that is gonna wipe out the so called bad wives. Men have come to realization that bad wives come from their peer generation, and they are seeking partner from the next generation. That means it makes sense for a guy marry someone much younger than him - preferably from one generation after his. I have seen guys from Gen X happily married to women from Gen Y. It may not be the first marriage for the Gen-Xers, but Gen Y women don't care.

The invention of Viagra has brought on the new era of hope and more and more younger women are attracted to older guys. These younger women may not be the good wives we were once seeking for, but at least they are not the bad wives we are trying to avoid but couldn't. Finally there are good vibes in the air, as though hope is available once again.