Hell is the path you need to go through to reach Love

“You are enjoying yourself, aren’t you? Having a lot of fun, eh?”

The mother’s voice is full of mockery. Even with more than hundreds of kilometers away, the father could sense the sarcasm in her voice. The accusing tone of her voice cut like a knife.

“Do you know that your daughter was looking for you last night? She was crying and saying that she wanted to play with Papa. And you know what I told her? I told her Papa doesn’t want her anymore.”

Anger consumed the father like a fire building up on a pile of woods. He feel like strangling her, that bitch.

“You can go for movies and drinking session with your friends while we suffer here – with your meager allowance of 2K. You know how much things cost these days? We could hardly survive with your two bloody K. And still you could afford to go out and have fun.”

“What do you expect me to do then? Stay in my rented room all night long, staring at the wall?”

“Yes, you should. The money you save from those outing you could give to me. That way, I could do my facial more frequently and also tends to my hair.”

“Why do you need to do that? I don’t want to look at you.”

“Is it wrong to make myself look good?”

“Is it wrong for me to go out once in a while?”

“How could you have the heart to go out when you daughter here is crying - looking for you every night? Even in her sleep, sometimes she would call out for you.”

Here we go again. Crunching session. The guilt instilling game. A father and a mother arguing – a child used as a shield. You seen it all before on television. Only in real life, it is much more agonizing.

The father wanted to hang up – but he still hasn’t spoken to his daughter yet. He calls her everynight – talking to her about her school (actually a nursery) – did she sleep at school today? He enjoy telling her bedtimes story over the phone sometimes – her laughter is the most beautiful music for him.

The problem is – everytime he wants to hear her voice – he needs to go through the mother. It’s inevitable that hell is the path you need to go through to reach your loved ones. It’s the crooked rule of life.

It’s useless to argue with a woman who is holding the only key to the door of your joy. Even though the woman had messed up your life pretty bad and is continuously adding damage to the wound. If acid is corrosive, this woman is the mother of all acid. So it’s only wise to give way – with usually means complying with her demand for more money. It’s useless to fight – just a waste of time. Like usual, the father would relented. It’s another crooked law of life.

The reason he go out is because the idleness made him think of her even more, his lovely daughter. It’s only by going out that he could stop thinking how he is messing her life up, a kid growing without a father nearby. No one could comprehend the pain he is feeling – a man torn between the need to get away from a doomed marriage and the boundless love for a child.

Sometimes ago when he was walking through a street market, he saw children’s apparel on display, dress with Minnie Mouse character and even one with her favorite character – Sponge Bob. She pronounces the word sponge as spon-gee, no matter how many times he tried to correct her. And standing there on the street, he suddenly felt an overwhelming emptiness. How he wanted her to be here - the sunshine of his life.

He thought of buying the dress for her – but on second thought, maybe she deserved something better than these knockoff dress her mother used to get for her. He made a vow to bring her to World of Cartoons next time he goes back to see her. He would let her choose her own dress. He could imagine how she would look at each sample dress on the hanger like a grown-up with comments – this is nice…this is not so nice and that put a smile on his face.

But thinking about thing like this didn’t make things better - it just makes the emptiness feels even more unbearable. He quickly walked away – but the next peddler is selling toys and that brought up emotions along the same line. Everywhere he goes, the world keeps reminding him of her. He ended up feeling more miserable – even lost his appetite for dinner.

People says if you find yourself in a meaningless relationship and it’s not working, just simply walk away. Move on. But the choice of simply walk away was never there for the father. No matter how excruciatingly painful the relationship may be, he needs to be there for the child. The relationship may turn him into a broken man, but he refuses to be a bad man.

To be a good father is never easy.